Tattered Gold
by Acsid
Summary: PG-13 just to be on the safe side. slash. redemption is never easy, and the soul of damnation can taint the saved, but can the saved taint the damned?


This fic doesn't sound as good as it did at three in the morning when it possessed my mind and denied me sleep. That's what happens when you see Constantine while under the influence of severe insomnia. I still wanted to post it to add to the Constantine section. Some out of characterness, and slash.

* * *

It started out as an accident. Balthazar annoying him one night because he couldn't kill him at Midnight's. Constantine not deporting his ass to hell that evening because he was too drunk and tired. But they were lonely. Damned if they would admit it, but sneering at each other beat the silence. And there was so much of silence, in both of them. So it became routine. 

Balthazar threw the nearest chair at the wall, and cursed his human blood when he found out about Constantine's self-destructive little 'habit'. He showed up at Constantine's apartment that night, and instead of killing each other they got stinking drunk. When they finally woke up sunlight was creeping through the slats of the tattered blinds. Balthazar just go tout of bed and left without a word. Constantine was left with a hangover, and no cigarettes. "Didn't figure you for the morning after type," He croaked wryly half-saluting the empty room. "Bastard." They did their best not to notice when this too became a routine.

It was just fucking after all, they hadtold themselves, and when had that ever meant anything to either of them? It was nothing. Constantine knew he was screwed when he began watching the clock for his timely arrival. Hell, he reflected, he'd been screwed before that. He deported demons by day, but he slept with one at night. He wasn't sure exactly where the bible mentioned that he who did so was damned, but it was probably because it was self-evident. He didn't think loving a male demon half-breed would go over well, considering this was his third chance at salvation. And that was the worst part. Constantine wished for a cigarette, and sighed as he pulled out a stick of gum. It had been fucking, originally. Then one night the hostile jibes had gone the way of conversation, and next thing he knew he was hooked on something much worse than cigarettes. At least they had only been killing him. He had tried to bullshit himself, to believe it wasn't true, at first. Because how could he bullshit heaven if he couldn't even convince himself? The answer was he couldn't. There was no excuse. He couldn't exactly be fucking him in heaven's name, or even loving and leaving as the old cliché said. Balthazar was a demon. That was probably _his_ strategy, he thought with a fond bitterness. When the time came Constantine very much doubted Balthazar would be the one hurting as he dragged Constantine off to hell. "You were right Gabriel," he told the bottle of absinthe on the table, "I'm fucked."

* * *

Constantine smiled. The little girl cowering in the corner was the picture of brutalized innocence. He shifted slightly, and winced as his ribs made a wet crunching noise. "It's all right." He managed, trying to reassure the child. "It's going to be ok. You're…safe..." He gasped, and began hacking blood. The girl whimpered slightly, and reached a tentative hand towards him. "Don't-don't bother kid. I'm a lost cause. Just…just hand me that cigarette ok?" The girl slowly picked up the abused box of cigarettes and handed it to him. "Thanks." He fumbled slowly for one while using the other arm to hold himself together. "Get out of here. Your mom is…is outside." When the girl hesitated he made a quick hand gesture that hurt like hell. "Go on, she'll be worried about you." The girl ran out, slamming the door behind her. Constantine listened to her feet pounding the steps outside. He sighed and closed his eyes. Good way to go, if he had to go. The kid was safe, so was the world… He counted down softly as he slumped alone in the dark and waited for the demons. "10…9…8" He couldn't decide whether he hoped Balthazar would be there or not. He changed his mind every number. "3…2…" Time stopped. 

Constantine opened his eyes. For a moment nothing happened. Then a soft golden glow fell around him. A walkway of pale gold stretched out before him towards a city of light. He had seen it once before… He couldn't believe it. His wounds healed in the light of the eternal city. He got up slowly, dropping the cigarette he hadn't managed to light. He started forward, disbelieving, when suddenly he stopped short. He found it hard to speak, but when he managed it what he said was "Balthazar…" "Right behind you." A faintly sardonic voice replied. Constantine whirled. Balthazar stood behind him next to the pool of his blood on the apartment floor. Constantine unconsciously relaxed and murmured half to himself, "Maybe I will have that cigarette. So you've come to drag me off to hell?" Balthazar smiled, but somehow it didn't seem triumphant. "No. I've come to say goodbye." Constantine stared. As usual, Balthazar had surprised him. Balthazar's light and careless tones sounded somewhat strained. "I loved you, you know." Constantine stood there, on the gates of paradise, but suddenly they didn't seem as alluring as before. He swallowed hard. "You can't. You're a demon." Balthazar strained to sound condescending as usual, but failed. "I'm a half-breed, as you've so often pointed out. Possessed of the capacity for human idiocy." He turned on his heel and started to walk away. Constantine grabbed his wrist. They stared at each other for a moment. "I love you." The words tasted strange to Constantine, coming from him to this being who was only nominally a man. "I'll go with you." "What!" Balthazar yelled, entirely loosing his affected calm. Neither of them noticed the angel behind Constantine until it spoke. "What are you doing?"

Its tones reminded Constantine uncomfortably of Gabriel. "Leaving." He replied curtly. Balthazar just stared at him. "Have you gone mad? It wouldn't surprise me." The angel tilted its head sideways and looked at him in a way that suggested he was a particularly interesting species of bug. "You have been forgiven your sins, Constantine." Constantine shrugged. "Fuck Him. Last time the world needed saving Lucifer came before He would." Balthazar sniggered slightly. The angel drew back in disgust. "Do not blaspheme John Constantine. Thank God for the gift of redemption." Constantine decided he sounded as pathetically legalistic trying to get out of heaven as he had trying to get in. "I've committed mortal sins since He forgave me. Lust, sodomy" Balthazar looked amused and the angel's lips twisted in prim disgust. "Coveted my neighbor's ass…" Balthazar laughed. "Stop it John. I'm not exactly male you know, I'm not all human." The angel smiled ineffably. "You have committed love, Constantine, which is not a sin. Not under desirable circumstances perhaps…" the angel glanced at Balthazar, but quickly looked away when he hissed. "But you will not be damned for that. You," the angel looked at both of them meaningfully, "are forgiven.God is great." The angel shot Balthazar a dirty look. Constantine and Balthazar glanced at each other then back at the angel. "Well," Balthazar managed, trying to keep his voice level, "must I wear that…idiotic gown? White isn't my color." Constantine laughed. The angel sniffed. "It is not mandatory." It replied in a tone that suggested it rather thought it should be. "Thank god for that." Constantine smirked, and straightened his obstinately rumpled and black suit jacket. The angel shot them a Look and left.

Constantine shook his head. "Always the polite goodbyes, His people." Balthazar smiled slightly. He tentatively stretched his wings. Constantine looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Balthazar grinned ferally. "You know, there used to be a secluded cloud bank around here somewhere…"Constantine grinned back. "I don't want to know why you know that." Balthazar just grabbed his collar and dragged off a very willing Constantine.


End file.
